|
This past Sunday, as part of our sermon series “Cultivating Fruits of the Spirit,” Pastor Alison preached about Gentleness. Alison spoke about how, unfortunately, far too often, being gentle is equated with being weak. But this is a misunderstanding of what gentleness really is! Gentleness is not a sign that strength is lacking. Rather, it is about how we choose to wield the strength that we have at our disposal. Because, while some things are inherently gentle, oftentimes it seems that there is some amount of choice involved — to be gentle or not to be. All of us hold the capacities for both gentleness and harshness inside of us. And it’s this dichotomy — this dual capacity — that can make displays of gentleness so captivating to witness. Gentleness is captivating because it’s not necessarily natural or easy. Being gentle — especially in the world we live in today — requires considerable strength: the strength to resist the seductive lure of oppressive power; the strength to slow down and tune into our own thoughts and feelings; the strength to act in ways that are intentional and in alignment with our beliefs and values; the strength to prioritize the well-being of another or the long-term health of a relationship over what may feel good in the moment; the strength to exercise wisdom and restraint. M. Craig Barnes, President Emeritus of Princeton Theological Seminary and author of The Pastor as Minor Poet, explores these ideas in an essay titled "Gentleness isn't fragile" (our first resource for today). He writes: “We tend to think of gentleness as a weak or fragile thing. But as a virtue it arises from strength, from strong people who choose to honor the sacredness of their relationships. The gentle don’t find their strength in the ways society has privileged them, nor in the success of their pursuits on the many fields of competition. Among Christians the gentle find their strength in their identity as people created in the image of God, people whom Jesus Christ was dying to love. When we take seriously the holiness of our lives—lives redeemed from everything we’ve done to profane that holiness—we’re made strong in the grace of God. And those who have attended to the grace they have received tend to want to be gracious to others.” In a world that increasingly equates might with right, that celebrates overt displays of power and control, — embodying gentleness may not always seem like an attractive choice. Because, for many, gentleness is viewed as a liability. However, the greater liability may actually be our inability to be gentle. Barnes argues that most social problems are rooted in the failure of the strong to be gentle with others. He says: “In these days of intense factionalism and demonizing partisanship, few of us are aspiring to gentleness. I think that is mostly because we’re afraid. We’re afraid because instead of thinking about the holy between us, we think about the ‘them’ who are to blame for our problems. The last thing we want is to be gentle in dealing with them. The harsh reality is that since the day Cain rose up against Abel, we have never been as careful with each other as we were created to be. The Bible’s first story of life outside paradise is about violent conflict between brothers, and we haven’t done much to improve on the plot. Pretty much every social problem we know has roots in the failure of the strong to be gentle with others.” It is far easier to use our strength to lash out, to control, to coerce — than it is to be gentle. But this is not the way of Love — of Jesus. Throughout this life, Jesus chose to wield his power with tenderness — at times choosing challenge, confrontation, and defiance; at other times embracing weakness for the sake of love. Jesus had the strength to stand up for the marginalized. And he also had the strength to forgo violence, to choose forgiveness, to embody “power with” instead of “power over.” Jesus’s ability to to move through the world this way — was connected to his own relationship with power. Philippians 2 tells us, “Though he existed in the form of God, [Jesus] did not regard equality with God as something to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, assuming human likeness. And being found in appearance as a human, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death—even death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:6-8, NRSVUE) For the sake of unconditional love, Jesus relinquished equality with God in order to be with us as a human being. Jesus entered the world as a helpless infant. He lived, and ministered, and died in order to show us the heart of God; to teach us about the upside-down nature of the Kingdom; to help us learn how to live lives of fullness; to inspire us to co-create a more just world for ourselves and others. As Barnes points out, “That’s not a story of the weak being victimized; it’s a story of the strong choosing humility. To live in Christ is to find this same gentle calling.” You can find Barnes's full essay on gentleness via the Christian Century. Our second resource for today — a strategy called the Gentle Start-Up — comes from Drs. John and Julie Gottman.
The Gottmans are known for their research around what allows relationships to be healthy and long-lasting. In particular, they’ve done a lot of work on marital stability and divorce prediction. While they focus primarily on romantic relationships, their advice can be applicable to many different types of relationships. Through their research, they have found that by observing just the first three minutes of a conflict discussion they could predict the likelihood of a couple’s divorce. According to their study, “The couples who divorced started their discussions with a great deal of negative emotion and displayed far fewer expressions of positivity than those who stayed together six years later. Not only were those couples who divorced negative towards each other, but they were also critical of each other." (Ellie Lisitsa, "How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Start-Up") The Gottmans have found that conversations tend to end on the same note as they begin. If you start an argument with a harsh attack, in most cases, you will end up with at least as much tension as you began with, if not more. To avoid this — and the relationship-killer that is Criticism — it helps to intentionally start the conversation with gentleness. Their strategy for how to do this is called a Gentle Start-Up. Tips for implementing a Gentle Start-Up include:
For more guidance on how to implement the Gentle Start-Up, check out this link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/ And, for strategies to combat other relationship-killers (Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling), check out this link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
RSS Feed